Happy Birthday Maa, you are sweet 68 today!

You were the first to always wish us on our birthdays. You would wait till the clock ticks a second over 12, and be the first to wish us and shower your love and blessings. You took pride in how you made us, you took the fight to their doorsteps if anyone came to complain about us, you protected us with your being, your soul, your prayers, even when you should have kept some for yourself. You are always in our heart, mind, soul and thoughts. Even now, you make us think in your way - the good, loving and caring human, others before self. You made us perfect as you made us in your replica, your pristine thoughts. Today on your 68^th birthday, we remember you and we miss you, every day, every moment, in good times and bad. Can’t believe it’s 3 years already, whoever says it becomes easier with time must have been lying. Love you Maa and a very happy birthday! #lovingson, #lovingdaughter, #lovinghusband, #lovingfamily.

Maa

Maa. Maybe the first word we all learn. Maybe we don't even understand the breadth and depth of the word when we learn it. Maybe that's the only meaningful word which we need to learn as that in itself is the whole world.

Maa is no more. Long term diabetic, lost her kidneys, went on dialysis and then suddenly she just passes away. All within a span of 11 months. 63 years, that's it. Survived by husband, 76 years and son, 41 years and daughter, 35 years and grandchildren. Funny the word "survived by". We are barely able to navigate from one day to the other, without breaking down. Everyone said, give it time as time heals everything. Bullshit! It doesn't! Only thing that happens with time is that we become used to the relentless pain of missing her, fondly remembering her in every little thing and nuances which defined her persona and then choose to accept the pain as it's going to define out next phase of life. Its even tougher if "Maa" was like mine, full of love, full of life and so much in love with us, her family.

Why her? Struggling to answer that one. What if there was a barter system? Well, sure She has higher face value or "bitcoin" value. So what? Take my 5 years, in return give me back 1 of hers. Then, I would be with her every breathing moment, in front of her with eyes open, never sleeping, without a break, holding her, touching her, smelling her, loving her reliving her in every wake, collecting a million memories that can last my life time and give her the feeling that she is living 100 years in each of those days!

Life goes on. Not really! We keep going on with life but in extreme mourning. We start going back to the so-called normal routine from different parts of world where we live in, but our soul centre is still stuck in that burning ghat next to Ganga where she crossed over from here to eternity. Most reflections start with when we push her into that smouldering furnace and end at the end of that hour when she turns in a small pile of ash. Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust. That's a phrase which defines us all, not just her.

She lived a full life. In the balance sheet of life, everything was in the + accounts of her ledger. Maybe she didn't feel pain in the end. Coma does that, the doctors said. In reality, what coma really does, it shifts the pain from her to the others who she left behind for life. If that's the way it is, then why not shift the illness as well. Isn't that what a family is meant to be, one for all, all for one?

God is a heartless bastard! And the governments of the world are run by Him. Why else would every fucker in the prisons all over the world live forever, a full life? Why not make a rule to take those organs from those fuckers rather than hang them or make them live forever, spending tax-payers money. Give back to the people, from those who don't deserve it!

I can't talk, fight, hug, complain, question Maa ever again. That is the feeling of death in the living. The truth is, with Maa dying, a little bit of a lot of people and a lot in a few people have died with her. The tears are the worst, it just flows without any freaking control and without any barrier. And just as the well is towards empty, it rushs back to fill in again and again. Killing softly but slowly.

The one who got me on Earth has left. I am sure which ever space or planet she is in, she is making it a great place and preparing for our welcome there to be united again. But my belief is this, Maa can never really leave her children completely. She is not built that way. She is still watching over us, blessing us as always and loving us even more. And I live in that belief and in regret. The two emotions which define me now.

I miss you Maa, I maybe old but I'm still a kid. We are nothing without you. Come back.

Songs I am listening to...now.

1. Flo Rida - Wild ones ft. Sia (Side note- Sia's voice is what sticks on the mind)
2. David Guetta - Titanium ft. Sia (Side note- It's gotta be a pick-up from "every breathe you take- Sting")
3. David Guetta (ft. Usher) - Without You
4. Rihanna - We found love ft. Calvin Harris  (Side note- I don't think anyone can beat the sex appeal of Rihanna and Beyonce!!) 
5. Adele - Set fire to the rain (Side note- It's after a long time I heard such a depth in voice! And she's a blonde!!) 
6. Adele - Rolling in the Deep 
7. David Cook- Light on (Side note- A very clean and neat soft Rock after long long time!)
8. Jessie J- Domino 
9. Coldplay- every teardrop is a waterfall 
10. Kelly Clarkson- Mr. Know it all
11. Kelly Clarkson- Stronger  (Side note- Brilliant lyrics, instantly touched the soul).
12. Foster the people- Pumped Up kicks (Side note- awesome tune, makes you feel like a total retro-fusion!)
13. Daughtry- crawling back to you (Side note- Good vintage rock ballad!)
14. Ellie Goulding- Lights
15. Simply Red - Sunrise (Side note- Typical vintage British soft romance, gets into your subconscious after sometime!)

[last updated- 17-Apr-2012]

Goodbye Savita!

When all the dust settles down, the only thing which remains are the memories. They help us relive those moments of joy, fun, sadness and grief...all that we want to take as parcel for the future. Got to know on Monday 28-Mar-11 that Savita passed away the previous night, battling cancer for sometime. It hit me, a silent yet such a strong hard hitting blow, left me grieving secretly, without any explicit declarations. She was someone who was probably not my closest. But she was a friend, who stepped in whenever I needed help!

During Feb 2011, when I was going thru' a turmoil at my job, I called her for help. I now know that she herself was going thru' the most difficult time of her life same time. I called and started my banter (as always) about how I felt that my company was going down and I am at risk og losing my job might. And I was so full of "I" that I never thought she might not be well. She never told that she was suffering, that she was in pain, that she had limited time. She never told me that she was going thru' chemo, and each session left her in pain, in tatters all for the want of life, a little more of it! What she said was- "fwd me your resume, let me check in my company" without a word about her state. She was brave, a fighter! She wanted to prove the world she had the capabilities of fighting against any adversary and proof herself the winner!

I never ever have seen her frown or pass a derogatory comment on someone else, say bad about a person she never got along with. She didnot like being a judge of someone else. What amazed me was her numerous different hobbies and how she made time for each of that and did justice to all! I remember the time when my wife and myself had gone to watch a "silent play" she was acting in, couldn't understand anything of the play but was pleased at being invited! She had a big group of friends, at that time they all seemed to be intellectuals pursing lots of other hobbies and interests apart from just work. But she was equally open to being friends with those not-so-intellectual beings, who probably had nothing to share!

Now it all makes sense, she had to live life in the fast lane as destiny had given a lot less time for her! I miss her, for all the times she had been for me, helped me, coached me and made me think practically! I think she was a star, now amongst them! God bless you, Savita!

Thanksgiving...

When my one of my very old and close school chum sent me this forwarded email, I thought it would be one of his typical jovial funny crackling fwds, which would make me laugh. So, I thought I would read it later and flagged it as "transport" read, which meant, when I am returning home from office in the office cab, I would read it on my phone. Later today evening, after reading this, I felt extremely thankful to him. Working in an IT industry is like a rollercoaster ride, always filled with lows and highs. This piece must get into my blog as a "Booster Dose", so that I would come back & read this whenever I am in one of the down rides! And would not forget to thank God for the thorns!!

The Blessing of Thorns:

Sandra felt as low as the heels of her shoes as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like a spring breeze. Then in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole that from her. During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son. She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Then her sister, whose holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come for the holiday. Then Sandra's friend infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. She has no idea what I'm feeling, thought Sandra with a shudder. "Thanksgiving? Thankful for what?" she wondered aloud. For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took that of her child?

"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her.

"I....I need an arrangement," stammered Sandra.

"For Thanksgiving? Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call the Thanksgiving Special?" asked the shop clerk.

"I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued.

"Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this thanksgiving?"

"Not exactly!" Sandra blurted out. "In the last five months, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong." Sandra regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said "I have the perfect arrangement for you."

Just then the shop door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi, Barbara...let me get your order." She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared, carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows, and long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped: there were no flowers.

"Want this in a box?" asked the clerk.

Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.

"Yes, please," Barbara, replied with an appreciative smile.

"You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance, but I can feel it right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest and she left with her order.

"Uh," stammered Sandra, "that lady just left with, uh....she just left with no flowers!".

"Right", said the clerk, "I cut off the flowers. That's the Special. I call it the Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."

"Oh, come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that!" exclaimed Sandra.

"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling much like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs, and she was facing major surgery."

"That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk, "and for the first time in my life, had just spent the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel."

"So what did you do?" asked Sandra.

"I learned to be thankful for thorns," answered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for the good things in my life and never questioned the good things that happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask questions! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."

Sandra sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."

Just then someone else walked in the shop. "Hey, Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man.

"My wife sent me in to get our usual Thanksgiving Special....12 thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.

"Those are for your wife?" asked Sandra incredulously. "Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?"

"No...I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my wife and I got the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marriage. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from "thorny" times, and I decided to label each one for a specific "problem" and give thanks for what that problem taught us." As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Sandra, "I highly recommend the Special!"

"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Sandra said. "It's all too...fresh."

"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."

Tears rolled down Sandra's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please," she managed to choke out.

"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."

"Thank you. What do I owe you?"

"Nothing" said the clerk. "Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Sandra.

"I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first."

It read: "My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."

As we reflect upon this season, a time for giving thanks and being appreciative of so many good things, Praise Him for your roses; thank him for your thorns! 

Welcome, My friend!

Thursday, 26th May 2005, 8:26AM. That was precisely the moment when I lost myself forever and was born all over again!

Trivia:

Back in 2004, Anindita (then, my beautiful/darling/loving/patient/caring wife; current status- my wife!) and myself were married almost 1.5 yrs and we were enjoying life & marriage immensely, like 2 free birds tied to each other by choice, having the best time of our lives! But my beloved mother sowed the seeds of "motherhood" in my wife, with the alibi of the famous "biological clock" ticking away, though wifey was not even 26! And a wife, with the purpose of turning into a mother can be very dangerous and unscrupulous! She gave plentiful explanations of having a bloodline to carry the "Nandi Flag" into next generation! The ever gullible me, ever trusting nature and the fierce intention to keep my wife & family happy, fell for the trap and my wife's report card said positive in Oct 2004! And so we started the journey to become a family!

Wednesday, 25th May 2005:

Every person has a way of handling stress. Some cry, some smoke, some drink, some do yoga, some walk or run and some eat. I am different. Wednesday, 25th May late in the evening, I sat in the loo, with a smoke in my hand, crying in desperation, to cope with the uncertainties which were in store for me the next day....

The first 8 months passed smoothly, almost sailed! Wednesday, 25th May 2005, I had scheduled my wife's "9th month starting" checkup with our Doc as the next week She (the Doc) was travelling for 2 wks. During our checkup, I sensed that the Doc was a little uncomfortable, asked me to take Anindita for a scanning. We promptly went to Wockhardt, the sonography Doc informed the results in chaste technical terms to our Doc! We visited our our Doc in the evening with the reports. After going thru' the reports, she broke the news- the baby was in a "breach" position, so normal delivery was ruled out. The baby also seemed a little underweight. And the worst, the fallopian tubes had started going round the baby's neck. Since the baby was now "term", Doc said she would not prefer to wait any further and have an immediate Cesarean delivery. She assured that for the baby, it's always best and least stress path to come into the world. She asked us to decide in the next 5 mins, so that she can call Manipal Hospital to book the OT for next day!

I was comfortably numbed, gaping at the Doc and trying to understand the magnitude of what she had uttered some seconds back! I looked at my wife; she was not at all perturbed, quite resolute infact! She just said, if it’s good for the baby, then that’s the way to go! Rest of the things went off in a trance- our Doc booked the room for the same evening and OT for next day at 8am in Manipal. We were supposed to check into Manipal Hospital at 10pm that night! We quickly left for home so that we could take some basic stuff to the hospital. I took a bath, released my tensions in my sort of way and then checked into Manipal at night! We were escorted to our room where we retired for the night after some procedures were carried out on my wife, to prepare her for her big day the next day! Just didn’t want to sleep, so we kept chatting and don’t remember when I finally dozed off!

Next morning started early, at 5am. One after the other pre-operation procedures went on with wife and I was the silent but painful partner, cannot physically share any pain which made the mental agony even more! Finally at 7:30am, she was rolled into the OT in a stretcher. Just before she got in, we both smiled at each other with anticipation! And after she went in, I sat outside the OT, prayed that everything went fine! Every minute was like ages, kept on pacing the corridor like a madman! At precisely 8:40am, a nurse came out of the OT with a small green cloth wrapped small parcel, announcing “Anindita Nandi” and trying to locate where I was. I froze but lift my hand for identification, she slowly walked over to me! “Mr. Nandi, this is your son, please check and sign here!”. I froze, was in a mixture of stunned, surprised and bliss; slowly told her “Sorry, but I don’t know how to hold the baby!”. She scooped the baby and threw him in my arms, almost forcibly, to my horror! All it felt like was a warm light-weight "half the length of my hand" sized bony "thing"! After I took him in my hands, the first thought was, he looked like a monkey! And then the prince woke up from his deep slumber, yawned big, stretched his hands and legs, almost saying without words- hey Dad, why the hell did you wake me up!

"Nipun Nandi" arrived, at 8:26am, on Thursday, 26th May 2005...and pushed back my so called world to become my most prized possession, my most important thing in my world!

Now:

With over 5 years in the making, I love everything that has happened till now. Right from the times when I saw his toothless laughter, to his first crawling, to the first stand and then walking and falling, to breaking every single thing in the house, to those nights when he sobbed with stomach pain and I held him in my arms, walking from one room to the other throughout the night, to the current nights when he refuses to sleep without me in the bed, clinging onto me with one of his leg trying to pierce my stomach and one of his hand clasping my neck almost strangling me, to his incessive demands of buying him toy-cars, to his current urges to "overtake" every other car on the road, to the snakes and ladders games where he inevitably wins (by "crook", almost always), I love him for everything. I don’t know what I would have done without him! God bless him always, even my share of blessings are for him! And like an eternal father-son relationship- I am his "best friend", I need him more than he does me! "He completes me!".

A silent prayer.

When was the last time I had a tension-free life? The correct answer- Never! Not even for, maybe, a single day! Maybe the simple reason is- I enjoy being under stress and taking tension! There is a strange insecurity in me the moment I feel, I have nothing to worry about...almost makes me feel that something gravely wrong is around the corner! But is it so simple to be tension free? Or am I just insane or a maniac to keep worrying?

Well, I have a son, he goes to a school which costs a bomb, his one year fees is equivalent to my entire 4 yr degree education! I have a loan on my house which scalps so much out of my salary, that the savings account looks "mean" and "thin" after every 10th of the month! My loving dear car not only puts a big hole in my saving's account every month, it also makes an equally big hole in my wallet in the form of petrol bills, this only gets aggravated with the disgusting passion I have for driving and road-trips! (I used to say- "if there is a road which leads to a place, then let's drive there!" Damned Me!). Now being a Bengali costs a lot! I mean, how many people you know who needs non-veg atleast twice a day. I won't complain if I get it 4 times a day!! And in Bangalore where vegetables/non-veg prices compete with the gold/silver rates in the country, I can imagine how my savings account gets raped every single day! Btw, any loving husband in today's generation cannot say no to a couple of "maids" who should keep our home clean, can they? So, there goes the remaining part of the salary, along with your mental peace on those days when the maids are on unannounced leave and the wifey dear has to do all the household work during the day (which makes her miss the repeated telecast of the soaps which she has already watched the previous evening!). In the end, "savings" is just an aesthetically crafted word, which gets pushed every month to the next month, with the hope that next month it would become a reality and the "account" would have some remnants!

Now, when your company all of a sudden announces that the company has decided to become "leaner" and "meaner" which in simple words mean "job cuts", what do you do? If they also say that managers might be the people who gets affected more than Engineers and you happen to be the former, what do you do? If you have worked your butts off every single day in the current yr and in the process have rubbed a few bosses on their wrong sides who might have a say in the final list, what do you do? And if this instability of job keeps haunting you every 6-12 months in your company regularly, that too, whenever you are due for a good hike or a promo, what do you do? What the heck, if all the MNCs of today go thru' reorgs like half-yr anniversaries, then what do you do!!

I keep it simple! I worry, I get tensed and I try to keep it all myself. And just like another day, I go home, spend some time with my kid (which is the best stress-buster in life), then play a couple of badminton games (second best stress-buster), talk to my wife abt the nothings of the day while having dinner and finally sleep off, after saying a silent prayer- "Thank you, God, for everything!!"

What would you have done?