Maa. Maybe the first word we all learn. Maybe we don't even understand the breadth and depth of the word when we learn it. Maybe that's the only meaningful word which we need to learn as that in itself is the whole world.
Maa is no more. Long term diabetic, lost her kidneys, went on dialysis and then suddenly she just passes away. All within a span of 11 months. 63 years, that's it. Survived by husband, 76 years and son, 41 years and daughter, 35 years and grandchildren. Funny the word "survived by". We are barely able to navigate from one day to the other, without breaking down. Everyone said, give it time as time heals everything. Bullshit! It doesn't! Only thing that happens with time is that we become used to the relentless pain of missing her, fondly remembering her in every little thing and nuances which defined her persona and then choose to accept the pain as it's going to define out next phase of life. Its even tougher if "Maa" was like mine, full of love, full of life and so much in love with us, her family.
Why her? Struggling to answer that one. What if there was a barter system? Well, sure She has higher face value or "bitcoin" value. So what? Take my 5 years, in return give me back 1 of hers. Then, I would be with her every breathing moment, in front of her with eyes open, never sleeping, without a break, holding her, touching her, smelling her, loving her reliving her in every wake, collecting a million memories that can last my life time and give her the feeling that she is living 100 years in each of those days!
Life goes on. Not really! We keep going on with life but in extreme mourning. We start going back to the so-called normal routine from different parts of world where we live in, but our soul centre is still stuck in that burning ghat next to Ganga where she crossed over from here to eternity. Most reflections start with when we push her into that smouldering furnace and end at the end of that hour when she turns in a small pile of ash. Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust. That's a phrase which defines us all, not just her.
She lived a full life. In the balance sheet of life, everything was in the + accounts of her ledger. Maybe she didn't feel pain in the end. Coma does that, the doctors said. In reality, what coma really does, it shifts the pain from her to the others who she left behind for life. If that's the way it is, then why not shift the illness as well. Isn't that what a family is meant to be, one for all, all for one?
God is a heartless bastard! And the governments of the world are run by Him. Why else would every fucker in the prisons all over the world live forever, a full life? Why not make a rule to take those organs from those fuckers rather than hang them or make them live forever, spending tax-payers money. Give back to the people, from those who don't deserve it!
I can't talk, fight, hug, complain, question Maa ever again. That is the feeling of death in the living. The truth is, with Maa dying, a little bit of a lot of people and a lot in a few people have died with her. The tears are the worst, it just flows without any freaking control and without any barrier. And just as the well is towards empty, it rushs back to fill in again and again. Killing softly but slowly.
The one who got me on Earth has left. I am sure which ever space or planet she is in, she is making it a great place and preparing for our welcome there to be united again. But my belief is this, Maa can never really leave her children completely. She is not built that way. She is still watching over us, blessing us as always and loving us even more. And I live in that belief and in regret. The two emotions which define me now.
I miss you Maa, I maybe old but I'm still a kid. We are nothing without you. Come back.
Maa is no more. Long term diabetic, lost her kidneys, went on dialysis and then suddenly she just passes away. All within a span of 11 months. 63 years, that's it. Survived by husband, 76 years and son, 41 years and daughter, 35 years and grandchildren. Funny the word "survived by". We are barely able to navigate from one day to the other, without breaking down. Everyone said, give it time as time heals everything. Bullshit! It doesn't! Only thing that happens with time is that we become used to the relentless pain of missing her, fondly remembering her in every little thing and nuances which defined her persona and then choose to accept the pain as it's going to define out next phase of life. Its even tougher if "Maa" was like mine, full of love, full of life and so much in love with us, her family.
Why her? Struggling to answer that one. What if there was a barter system? Well, sure She has higher face value or "bitcoin" value. So what? Take my 5 years, in return give me back 1 of hers. Then, I would be with her every breathing moment, in front of her with eyes open, never sleeping, without a break, holding her, touching her, smelling her, loving her reliving her in every wake, collecting a million memories that can last my life time and give her the feeling that she is living 100 years in each of those days!
Life goes on. Not really! We keep going on with life but in extreme mourning. We start going back to the so-called normal routine from different parts of world where we live in, but our soul centre is still stuck in that burning ghat next to Ganga where she crossed over from here to eternity. Most reflections start with when we push her into that smouldering furnace and end at the end of that hour when she turns in a small pile of ash. Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust. That's a phrase which defines us all, not just her.
She lived a full life. In the balance sheet of life, everything was in the + accounts of her ledger. Maybe she didn't feel pain in the end. Coma does that, the doctors said. In reality, what coma really does, it shifts the pain from her to the others who she left behind for life. If that's the way it is, then why not shift the illness as well. Isn't that what a family is meant to be, one for all, all for one?
God is a heartless bastard! And the governments of the world are run by Him. Why else would every fucker in the prisons all over the world live forever, a full life? Why not make a rule to take those organs from those fuckers rather than hang them or make them live forever, spending tax-payers money. Give back to the people, from those who don't deserve it!
I can't talk, fight, hug, complain, question Maa ever again. That is the feeling of death in the living. The truth is, with Maa dying, a little bit of a lot of people and a lot in a few people have died with her. The tears are the worst, it just flows without any freaking control and without any barrier. And just as the well is towards empty, it rushs back to fill in again and again. Killing softly but slowly.
The one who got me on Earth has left. I am sure which ever space or planet she is in, she is making it a great place and preparing for our welcome there to be united again. But my belief is this, Maa can never really leave her children completely. She is not built that way. She is still watching over us, blessing us as always and loving us even more. And I live in that belief and in regret. The two emotions which define me now.
I miss you Maa, I maybe old but I'm still a kid. We are nothing without you. Come back.
